in preparation for our faculty meeting this morning we were sent a list of behavior scenarios to read over and think about. the list included things like overhearing kids swearing or talking about drinking, seeing students sleeping or talking during all-school meetings, seeing a boy grabbing a girl’s rear end, inappropriate cheering at an athletic event, students leaving campus, and seeing a girl wearing a low-cut shirt. the goal was for us to talk in small groups about which of these issues felt challenging. at the end, we came back together as a large group to share our ideas.
the issue that each group focused on the most was how the girls at our school are dressed.
this pisses me off for a couple of reasons (and I’m sure I’ll think of more over the course of the day). first and foremost, the concept of the meeting was to focus on issues that made us uncomfortable. if every group talked about how girls are dressed i can only assume that we were really talking about were (mostly) the male teachers’ concerns. secondly, it bothers me that how the girls are dressed took precedence over substance abuse (drinking & smoking), missing out on education (sleeping), gambling (online), and assault (boy hitting girl on the butt).
now don’t get me wrong…i have jokingly suggested that i would like to give a workshop on undergarments to the girls in this school on numerous occasions. i have also had many, many conversations with girls about how they’re dressed and why it matters.
i think this issue is important!
but I also think that in a school that is not ready to truly enforce a dress code (we’re not) the state of girls’ outfits should not take precedence over some of the other topics that came up. i think the reason it took precedence is because it’s easy. it’s easy because men can bring it up as a concern and then say well, there’s nothing i can do about it because it would be inappropriate for me to comment. men are seen as sexual beings that can’t touch this issue without seeming inappropriate while women are seen as maternal, and obligated to “deal” with it. i get that the male teachers don’t want to deal with it directly and i’m not suggesting that they should. What I’m suggesting is…let’s move on.
in 2008 talking to teenage girls about fashion is tricky. clothes today are revealing. bra straps are in. leggings count as pants. on top of that we’ve got teenagers in this country exercising less than ever before so these kids are trying to squeeze all kinds of bodies into what’s trendy. it’s tough even for us grown women to figure it out. we are never going to agree on what’s appropriate unless we wear uniforms or enforce the dress code by meeting kids at the door like we did at my school in brooklyn. so let’s talk to girls about something OTHER than how they look. maybe if we take our focus off their looks they will too.
in the meantime i will continue to preach my mantra to the girls i teach…TIME AND PLACE. are you getting dressed to go to a club, to school, to church, or to a college interview? you don’t dress the same for all these things. where do you want the college admissions officer to focus…on your boobs or on your accomplishments? Only one of those will take you places. and i will continue to lecture my advisees about the length of their skirts, the width of their bra straps, and their cleavage. I won’t even try to get into the concept of slips and maybe someday i’ll figure out the leggings as pants thing.
i would like to take this opportunity to thank my Mom who made all this easier for me by making me wear a slip despite my griping, introducing me to strapless bras when it was time, and helping me to understand that “adult” fashion was something you grow into over the years. she taught me that i could be a powerful, sexy woman by being smart, talented, and opinionated. thanks Mom.
BUT…i will continue to be pissed off about women doing most of the work in raising our children…still, today, in 2008…even at school. we need brave, bold men to help us out once in awhile. i’ll take on the girls if you, guy, will take on the boys…
4 comments:
I am in full agreement. (Though I'm wondering how many people questioned whether only our accomplishments will takes us places...appearance is always in the mix and boobs have played their role for better or worse.) I think a big problem is assuming that students have really become more sophisticated when in reality they are still just developing kids who are trying on roles and not always knowing what they are doing. It's far too easy to abdicate our responsibilities as adults, teachers, and parents to send a clear message about any of their behaviors.
I appreciate both of your thoughts, and agree with everything I understand of what you've said.
I think the way the conversation was framed started us in a misleading direction: The question I heard was, "Which of these issues is the most uncomfortable for you to address?" To that question, girls' dress is certainly 1st of 15 on my list. If the question had been, "Which of these do you think is the most important to address?" Then I would have placed the issues of girls' dress 15th of 15 -- dead last -- because I think each of the other issues suggested on the list poses a more frequent and potentially more harmful effect on student learning, student psycho/social health, and community well-being.
If I could have a "do-over" of the morning, I would encourage us to talk about what is most important, not what is most uncomfortable; and I would encourage us to have male and female voices be equally proactive and reactive in setting the topic and advancing the conversation.
Mike Albritton
well put mike. thanks for reframing and for being supportive.
rr. as always i'm intrigued by the honesty and passion driving your words. you made several statements that i agreed with out loud as i read.
one in particular.
you said:
"let’s talk to girls about something OTHER than how they look. maybe if we take our focus off their looks they will too."
imagine that.
i think people's own emotional experiences get in the way and nearly paralyze them, rendering them completely unable to act when comes to holding kids accountable. some are afraid. for some, it's all about ego. for many, it's some form of the thought that "who am i to say something? i'm not like them." you got to be able to get out of your own way sometimes. with regard to being responsible for the education and supporting the growth of adolescents, whatever behavior we might be talking about - say something. what might your silence suggest.
i, too, believe in time and place. that's being savy. that's navigating systems. that's keeping yourself safe.
girls. girls. girls. how do we reach them. we won't, ever, until we stop being afraid of them.
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